Hiccups....

Sometimes you think you have it all planned. You make some choices and give it a shot and in the end you just hope it works out. I've noticed that this works for a lot of people I know. Except of course, one person, me. Now I'm not saying that everyone else has had it easy and I'm at the bottom of the pit, just that I'm at the bottom of the pit and some people, well, aren't.

I chose hiccup as the name of this post because apparently it reoccurs. I would know, when I was in the 6th grade I was once made to do a skit on a radio show of a kid who was going to set a record for having hiccups the longest, but only fell short of a second because of a bull that got loose and scared him stiff. Well when your scared stiff and have the hiccups, it tends to disappear (I'm actually quite glad I don't remember more). It wasn't fun, having to pretend doing the hiccups repetitively and having to hear this kid make bull sounds, but I got mini-celebrity status for being heard on the radio. Right so back to why I chose hiccup for this post. Hiccups are unpleasant and they don't stop. Which I thought made for an interesting metaphor. So if I haven't gotten to the point, my life has been a series of hiccups.

I had a plan. It was fairly simple and it sorta involved charting out the course of my life for the next two years. Something that I was really looking forward to. So I did my homework and gave myself a reasonable enough time frame. I had to do an exam, that for the last 4 years has been the bane of my existence and I once again stand defeated. I worked this time, I thought I made progress, but come exam day it was as though my picture perfect world for the next two years was turned inside out. Well actually, it kinda disappeared into a whiff of smoke. The dramatic apparition of that seems more in line with what I felt/feel.

I honestly can't quite comprehend it. I went into it with this whole feeling that my whole life rested on it and I don't know what to think, feel or believe anymore. We're obviously put in a world where we're all pitted against each other. Parents are always curious to know what other parents children are doing and well this honestly does not help my cause. It isn't the end of the world. I know that, I wake up every morning hoping it is. I can see the sea from my roof and I often wish a Tsunami the size of my view would come say hello. Actually I take that back, I think I'd prefer asteroid contact. Instant incineration to wallowed drowning seems more ratifying, who am I kidding, it seems less painful.

Now I'm told that there are a couple of ways to look at a situation like this. You assess your options and move along. Or you suddenly realize that by some divine intervention that maybe your chasing something your not meant to do but instead should go for what your most passionate about. See, now I like that option. Only thing is that its f***ing risky. I could be here in a couple of years from now again saying - I told you so. Or I could get lost in my head hoping no one would find me, again too dramatic for actuality.

So here I am, unemployed, fat and unhealthy with just about an inch of sanity going for me. But yes, there are so many more people out there who've got bigger problems and varied issues. I feel your pain on some transient wave length. I do, I feel your pain. Because no matter how much water you drink or how scared you get, these hiccups just don't go away.

Everybody's Fine

Well are they? I have seldom ever met a person I've asked who's said otherwise. It's always 'good, great, not too bad' and more often than not 'fine'. My post is actually titled after a movie I saw called Everybody's fine and it stars Robert De Niro, Sam Rockwell, Drew Barrymore and Kate Beckinsale. I wont blog about the movie, but I'd advise you watch it. It' just very real and something you can relate with.

All of us have different sets of relationships. With our parents, girlfriends, friends, colleagues etc. Lots of people have very open relationships with their parents, they're able to tell them everything that matters and they rarely ever hide anything important. I ofcourse do not have this sort of relationship. I've never had and I don't really think I ever will. Needless to say I've probably never tried. But being very open with my parents is not something I'm used to. I've always been scared of pre-conceived notions that they've had about things and at the moment I don't really discuss much with them. Somehow I have a feeling that this is probably something I'm going to regret. If I were in their place tomorrow, I'd hate to have that sorta relationship with my kids. But yeah, whenever my parents ask me how things are my answer is their fine.

I didn't realize that you could make a movie of it, but watching Robert De Niro's relationship with his kids in the movie was really something I could relate to. In 'Everybody's Fine', the kids all confide in the mother but they tell the father that everything's fine and in the end he has to find out the hard way. But that's just the funny thing about relationships isn't it? Sometimes it takes years to develop into something, sometimes a moment together can seal something solid and sometimes it can just tear everything apart. I guess who we are in a relationship will ultimately define it. I'm not really sure whether there's a guidebook to these things, but I always rely on one piece of advice from my mom and that's to be a good human being.

Closing in on 27, I think I've had my share of relationships with people. One's I cherish, cherished and wish I made something of. I've had to make an effort with some, while I could close my eyes on others. But inside me there's a feeling of something restless. Like I still have to meet the rest of the world and decide who's going to be a part of my life. Where there are going to be moments of happiness with people I've never met and moments of anguish with people I've always know. Either which way, even though it's the easiest thing to say, I hope me and mine will always be fine.