Reflections on Train Spotting

I look at my watch, its 11’oclock in the morning, its Good Friday. I would have been in bbay 10 hours earlier if I hadn’t gotten bumped off my flight. 10 minutes earlier at the airport and I would have been in Bbay 10 hours earlier. So with 8 hours of waiting 2 hours of sleep, 6 cups of coffee and half a pack of cigarettes and not to mention an upgrade to business class, I try to look out for Dalmo n Vicks. Vicks I’ve seen pretty consistently over the years. Dalmo’s the one I haven’t seen in 5. My phone rings.

“Can you see a pink hat?” an excited voice at the other end tells me Vicks is lookin for me frantically. Only he’s in the wrong terminal.

I light up. Sure enough 10 mins later I see a pink hat. It’s good to see Vicks. He’s one of those guys who’ll pretty much never change. He was on my first project week with me 6 n a half years ago. 6 n a half years later he’s wearing a pink hat and I’m not in the least bit surprised.

We make our way to the car. Dalmo steps out. We stare at each other for a brief moment.

I feel that waking up at a different time at a different place has made me a different person. Both of us are asking ourselves, has it really been 5 years? I give Dalmo a hug. God damn, its good to see him. Both of us are pretty sure of the fact that neither of us has changed. It’s a 2 hour drive to Shaharpur, north of BBay. We have good time to catch up before the others get there. I can remember the first half hour into the ride. Getting out of traffic and onto the highway. After which I can tell its scorching outside. I can see miles n miles of barren land interrupted by 30 floor concrete buildings. Dalmo is explaining to me Bbays plans of expansion. Its always fascinating to hear and contrast where Im from to what its like out here. The road ahead is a silvery mirage of the heat taking a bite of us every inch along the way.

“I need cigarettes”. I look at my pack n then I look at Dalmo. We were supposed to pick them up 45 mins ago. Peripheral distraction. Now we were outta the city on the highway with the occasional Paan Shop every couple of miles. Odds of which are 1 in 10 for getting our brand of cigarettes. But we need them and we’re not left with much of a choice. In the next 45 mins Vicks, Dalmo n Me cleaned out every paan shop within a radius of 30 kms. Why did we have to do that? Coz each shop dint have more 10-12 cigarettes a pack. On accumulating 6 packs, we hit the jack pot and cleaned out the last paan shop I ever wanted to see. He gave us a carton.

I’ve felt wired before with no sleep. But not until I saw Dalmo’s cousins pad. It was in the middle of no where. There was no road leading upto it. Just dirt and rocks. We took a right of the highway and headed into what would appear to be the unknown for a good 6-7 km. When we finally made it there, it all made sense to me in some strange little way. Its as simple as ‘ no pain, no gain.’

It took us about half n hour to scan the whole place. We were pretty sure that once we got in, there was no getting out n there was absolutely no need to. We had a car sent ahead of us with all the supplies we needed. We were set for the next 48 hours. Im not quite sure how to go about explaining what the place was like, coz for me it was pretty much beyond description. 8 bedrooms. An indoor swimming pool, Jacuzzi n Sauna with the works. Dalmo told me the place was decked up with props from James Bond’s Octopus Eye. No shit. There was a lavish garden with a pathway that lead down to a cool water river that flowed around the back. Yes my name was Bond, James 'Let'er Rip' Bond.

Couple of hours later n the others got in. My overwhelming sensation in middle of my chest capsized on being the light at the end of the tunnel.We tossed our conjured laurel wreaths and proclaimed the games begin.

I do not want to go about explaining what we did or what went down in those 48 hours. Good Friday would come to be known as ‘Great Friday’. I no longer felt like I had blood flowing through my veins, 15 of us will now have our own individual tales to tell.

I open my eyes on Sunday morning. I try to think about what happened in 2 days of my life I’d never see again. When you don’t get much sleep, your never really asleep and your never really awake.

All I get is a slide show of images that are printed in a memory that feels like its been pumping battery acid.

Faces, voices, thoughts aloud, blaring music, underwater glimpses, black underwater glimpses, freezing water, hot water, throat burns, permanent shades, sun rise, sun set, gourmet food, white wine, red wine, cheese platters, cocktails, big shots, small shots, bottle swigs, nicotine outbreaks, incessant conversations, indecipherable conversations, inebriated poker, infinite beer, unmentionables and then some more unmentionables.

I resurrect myself. I look at my wrist, it smarts from a cigarette burn. It’s gonna leave a scar. I look at my watch, its 11’oclock. I light up.

My thoughts are now with the Tall Man :

there is a tall man next to me,
he says, would you like a shot,
ah says, no thanks and tries to take off,
his shadow is close, his presence is hard,
what compelled me to stop, ah know not,
he says, ah do ya cunt,
this is mah hand, to deal and sort out,
dinna open yer mouth,
there's buggers that cried, cause they dinna get a hit,
and then there's you,
dinna use, when the shits on a platter for you to take,
ah dinna have time to explain, or make sense of it all,
you takes what ah gives, cause yah knows you will fall,
a second to jab, a second to feel,
two long, those two seconds, but thats the deal,
but when time elapses and the deed is done,
there is nothing that matters, under the bloomin sun,
ah wonder if all this shits real,
ah wonder why time stops, and then in an instant seems maddening,
ah dinna understand what the fuck is happening,
its become a generalization,
out of body, out of mind, boomed out of mah box,
all ah really know is that those suits are there,
telling me what ah should wear,
it seems they determine human nature,
us thinks thats crap, the world thinks thats 'culture',
when ur here it dinna have significance though,
all ya wants is too look at the drain,
the one tall man is next too,
where all the punters poo,
ah know ah dinna make much sense know,
even in me own head,
as do know however, the future i must dread,
when i come back through the door,
and have to see and abide by 'culturall' fuckin law,
ah will have to fill mah body with this shite,
to stay where ah am,
tall man says, sorry mate, ur on ur own,
ah dinna have to think about that, cause thats just the way it is,
you take what you get and gives what you gives,
the throb in mah stomach just wont go away,
its like a domestic animal gone astray,
boom, boom, boom, welcome to oblivion,
ah wish thats the way it was,
the pain that comes first and it does not stop,
till yer almost there and then it doesnt seem too good,
ahm rambling now, ah dinna know meat from fruit,
the darkness looms but gets brighter every minute,
could this be it, am ah being reunited,
with the glory of god that ah knew in me ma's womb,
that shits fuckall and ah know it now,
the shits worn off and im still stuck in this crudy town,
dinae give me your redemption, dinna give me your love,
gods a prick compared to shit,
all ah wants is the fuckin buzz,
that feeling that ah know something is soon replaced by despair,
ah knows jack squat, ah knows nobody cares,
about me and mah life, that ah know is my own,
the worlds a piece a shite anyway, its getting me down,
so ahm gonna fuck off now, and find the needle that is the key,
to the only world ah understand,
or dont, whichever way ya choose,
tall man, where the fuck are ya, let all hell break loose.