2007? 2009 & already 6 months gone?

Yikes! I remember making that last post. I was all in the mood about how I wanted to make 2007 an exciting an prosperous year. Low and behold, a year and a half later we're in 2009 and I'm back to square one. I hate that word.....square one! It happens to me ever too often and I find myself wondering whether I'll ever snap out of it. I wonder if I’ll ever realize who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing. That's a pretty universal question, if it we're that easy, we'd all be our own gods wouldn't we? But I guess in my case the focus is always lost along some point. The key obviously is to make sure that your able to sustain it and with a certain sense of killer instinct to see it all the way through.

It's funny how sometimes things never really pan out the way you want them too. In my case it's really funny, I'm almost 26 years old and nothings panned out the way I wanted too. But complaints aside, I've had some great times, extraordinary times actually and I've had some wonderful people become a part of my life. For that I feel grateful. I guess you got to balance the good with the bad. Yesterday evening, I had lost hope. I thought fuck... I don't want this life. I don't want this job, I don't want to live in this house. I want out... I want something different... I wanted a new life. But that's not just going to happen with a snap of your fingers. In fact, I realized that a long time ago, which brings me back to my earlier point. Once you wake up and realize your suppose to do something or you feel like your capable of doing it, how do you sustain that momentum and enthusiasm of being able to see it through.

This by far has been the biggest challenge in life for me till date. I suddenly wake up and I realize that I need to do something, I start out great but somewhere alongst the way I falter and I'm back to 'square one'. God I hate that word....

Change.... I've been attempting to do this for a while. I think I've been attempting to change my life so much that I never realized that it had to start from within. There were small little things that I had to do within, that would allow for a brighter landscape.

I've wanted to do and be so many things in my head... but I never realized that sometimes you have to do those small things first to get the ball rolling... I think success as everyone knows can only be enjoyed when you’re ultimately doing something that you enjoy doing. Success comes in many forms and as my dad rightly says "you reap what you sow" ... which is actually not the best thing to come out from his mouth, considering I'm his son! But yeah... I remember back in 2000, when I auditioned for this play called Hayavadhana, it was a Girish Karnad play and I was auditioning for one of the leads. I got the part and then practice started. Most people do not actually realize what goes behind the production of a play, I won't deviate too much from what I'm aiming to get at, but yes a lot goes into it and I since I enjoyed rehearsing for it so much, I only really realized how much effort had gone into it when you take a bow at the end of it. Your happy and you feel a certain sense of satisfaction coz you know you worked your ass off for it and you enjoyed it. I think that was one of the first few times I truly felt happy and I enjoyed the success of one of the best plays performed during theatre week that year.

So as I continue to type this out, I realize that there are certain things that I need to do to get my act together. I want to know that I at least tried so even if nothing's to come of it, I won't really be all that disappointed.

What did Gandhi say? Something about being able to change the world only if you affect change from within first? Well that's probably something that I'd like to attempt to do. Not change the world but affect some change from within. Just sorta thinking about my earlier para... I'd like to actually take part in theatre or get in front or behind a camera at some point. There's something about being out on a stage with a theatre full of people perching their eyes on you. It's that feeling of nervousness turned to confidence when you get out there in front of them which is electrifying....You forget about those hundreds of people looking at you and you realize that being a performer and performing walk side by side....

Enough of the nostalgia. Even though I know there's probably only one person who's going to read this on a regular basis ( start fish story) I will sincerely attempt putting my thoughts down on this blog knowing that reading it a couple of years from now will bring a simple and yet genuine smile to my face....

The saga continues.....