On the outside, looking in.

I don’t usually go out too much. Ever since I came back 4 years ago I use to abhor going out simply because I had a different definition of fun.

Going out and having fun for me was always being surrounded by a reasonably large group of people and more often than once being the centre of attention ( I was a different person back then). But ever since I came back not according to my own will I believe I’ve changed. For the good or bad I really don’t know, but I’ve changed and some people reinforce that.

Change is inevitable. Its only when its in your face that you start to think about it.

Take this weekend for example. After 5 jack n cokes, I can be a good conversationalist, be a good listener, amusing and in some sense of the word, charming (I hope that hasn’t changed).But all that can work differently when you encounter someone from the past. I left and then she did and now we’re back in the same city. I use to be someone else with her and even though the both of us know I’ve changed, I feel strange coz I had something good going on back then. Ironic as it may seem I realized this a long time ago.

This used to be my thing. I send myself in, I come out having no regrets.

But with her I dont quite know how to act around her maybe because she already has a preconceived impression.I can never be the person that I was and she’ll never know the person that I am(its not an assumption). So maybe it’s best left where it was.

I’ve also noticed that I’m beginning to start a bit of a trend. Every opportunity that comes by me I keep passing up. Whether its reestablishing past connections or maintaining new ones. I keep messing them up. During the production of a play I once did, I met someone new. At first I dint think to much of it. That’s exactly how I think at first. Seeing as we had a couple of scenes together we were mildly social. I’ve always been a slow starter when it comes to these things. I’ve got my guard up and only let it down only when I’m comfortable. But all that changed over the whole production at the end of which there was some connection we made. I’m not talking about getting into a relationship with her, but just two people who enjoy each others company have a nice laugh and you know something’s running deep. We found it really comfortable to be around each other there was that similar wavelength happening and well I take pride in being able to make a girl smile. I made an impression not consciously but just being me and being me after my 5 drinks. The play got over and I dint keep in touch. I feel bad about the whole thing and wished I had. Why do I feel bad? Coz she was smart, really pretty, two years older than me and she told me she found me charming.

Damn, I need to erase and rewind.

I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. May be you wont understand that reason now and somewhere down the line it’ll make sense. Some of it I get, the rest well “what a load of crock”!

There are so many more instances and relationships that have left me scarred. I tell myself not to have any regrets. I don’t think I do (maybe some minor ones).

But maybe I need to say “Abre Los Ojos ScarS”, coz every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.